Anticipated Movies of 2017 Part 2: July to December

And we’re back again with my anticipated films for the second half of 2017. They are:

Spider-Man: Homecoming


I don’t think there’s much that needs to be said here. It looks amazing, all puns intended! Tom Holland looks like the actor who’s going to get all the aspects of Spider-Man right instead of just one or two and Michael Keaton looks like he’s going to be absolutely terrifying. It’s not surprise that this is a must-see.

War for the Planet of the Apes

Third time’s the charm, as this will be the first in the series that I’ll actually be seeing in theatres. I was initially skeptical of this series but after the first one blew me away and the second was possibly even better, you could consider me convinced. It’s not every day you put out a movie or a movie trailer that makes you root against your own species during/after watching. I’ve got some pretty high expectations for this one.

Dunkirk

I’m really interested to see this one. As a history buff it definitely appeals to me, but it also just looks like it’s going to be a really good movie. I’m generally a fan of Christopher Nolan’s work (The Dark Knight Rises notwithstanding) and I’d like to see what he does with a real, historical event. I like what I see so far.

The Dark Tower

Of all the films on this list, this is the one that I’m most worried about and the one I’m trying very hard to be optimistic about. These books are rather precious to me, and it’s one of those things that I’m not sure could or should even be made into a movie, to be honest. Idris Elba’s casting as Roland was a surprise, but I think he’ll do a fine job (I’m trying not to think of the story changes that will have to be made later on) and he’ll bring a good intensity to the role. I don’t really have much to go on here, all we’ve seen are a few set pictures so far and the odd article. When a trailer drops, I’ll be the first to talk about it. But for now: please don’t suck, please don’t suck, please don’t suck….

Blade Runner 2049

Oh, look, another movie I’m going to need to watch (again?) before a sequel comes out. There’s not much to go on with this trailer, to be honest. Lots of intriguing imagery but almost nothing else. One thing that really excites me about this one is the director, Denis Villeneuve. Arrival was my top film of 2016 so I’m game to see anything else he does at this point. It will be interesting to see Harrison Ford come back in a role I can’t help but compare to Han Solo in The Force Awakens, but that’s pure speculation on my part. I guess as long as he stays away from catwalks with long drops this time he might be okay.

God Particle

Imdb calls this one ‘Untitled Cloverfield Anthology Movie’, but elsewhere I’ve seen it called God Particle, so that’s what I’m going with. This is another one that not a lot is known about yet, just a one-sentence synopsis that it’s about astronauts on a space station and something happens to the Earth. That premise alone sounds fascinating, and could be ripe for an excellent look at how people react to something unthinkable with the added bonus of a claustrophobic setting. I hope it’s every bit the riveting, tense experience as with 10 Cloverfield Lane, as the themes are not dissimilar. This seems like a bit of a smaller movie, but it has the potential to hit hard.

Thor: Ragnarok

Of all the Avengers who have standalone films, Thor’s are rated pretty low in comparison. I personally like them, for all their flaws, but Ragnarok seems like it’s really going for it. There are a lot more characters this time, including several we haven’t seen yet in any MCU film and just from those characters alone I think this is going to be a bigger, grander story than we’ve seen from the previous two films. They also have a great director in Taika Waititi, who directed my other half’s favorite film of 2016 (The Hunt for the Wilderpeople). So this might be the one that really turns everyone around on the Thor-centered films. At the very least, it definitely has the potential to do so.

Justice League (maybe)

Yes, I put a caveat in for this one. Because I was serious in Part 1 when I said that my interest/actually seeing this one depends greatly on Wonder Woman. You can only tease me with great potential that turns into a mangled mess so many times before I’m done. As for the film itself, it again, looks like it has potential. Batman and Wonder Woman were two of the best things in BvS and the fact that they are central to this story is awesome. I also kind of want to see grumpy, drunk (?), Jason Mamoa Aquaman, too. I’m still on the fence on this one, which pains me as someone who really wants to love these films.

Star Wars Ep. VIII

I’m not sure there’s much to say here. It’s Star Wars. I want to see it, my kids want to see it, and the other half will come to see it. We all want to see the continued adventures of Finn, Rey, Poe, et al. This one will also be bittersweet, as it will be the last time we see Carrie Fisher as Princess/General Leia, and I wonder how they will address that or if they will wait until Episode IX to do so. Either way, we are all pretty pumped for more.

I think when half the house goes Star Wars for Halloween, that says it all.

Jumanji

I’m not overly excited to see this film, but it looks like it could be a fun popcorn movie. I really don’t have any expectations or any thoughts one way or the other, but since I enjoyed the first one, I figure it couldn’t hurt to give this one a try and see what they do with it. Goosebumps, as a movie, was actually better than I thought it really had any right to be, so I’m willing to give this one a chance. And let’s face it, even if the movie is meh, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is still a very entertaining and charismatic guy and I’ve watched worse movies with him in it.

Bonus- Geostorm

I have no illusions about this one. None at all. It’s probably going to be terrible. Between how many times its release has been pushed back (4 times), to director Dean Devlin (the other half of the duo behind gems like Godzilla ’98, Independence Day: Resurgence, and the occasional good movie), to the fact I’m not entirely sure it’s getting a theatrical release, it does not look promising. I may get to hate-watch yet another movie with Gerard Butler in it in 2017 (why do you keep doing this to me, man?).

So there it is, the anticipated movies for the second half of 2017. I know there are movies that have been left off of this list that are must-sees for others, and these are ones that I either have little interest in (XxX: The Return of Xander Cage, Fate of the Furious) or are more likely to watch as a rental rather than make the trek to the theatre for (Ghost in the Shell). Hope you all enjoyed and if you’ll excuse me, I have a whole slew of new trailers waiting for me! 

Anticipated Movies of 2017 Part 1: January to June

Hey everyone! We’ve looked at the movies of the past year and now it’s time to look ahead! This is pretty self-explanatory so let’s just jump right in. Here are my anticipated movies from January to June of 2017.

John Wick 2

Okay, this trailer looks awesome and like a huge amount of fun. I’ll maybe talk about it a little more later because I’m having a hard time talking about a sequel to a movie I haven’t seen yet. We have the first one in our possession right now, but we haven’t had a chance to watch it yet. So I’ll get back to this one as soon as I can remedy that.

Lego Batman

How can you not be excited for this one? After The Lego Movie turned out to be far funnier, deeper, and all-around better than many of us expected it to be, a spinoff starring the Lego version of the Dark Knight sounds pretty appealing. It looks fun and extremely self-aware, and at this point looks more enjoyable than the live-action offerings of the character at the moment. If the voice acting and Lego animation is as well-done as they were in The Lego Movie, which they seem to be, then I think we will have a for-sure winner here.

Logan

The buildup to this movie has been great. The trailer(s) we’ve gotten for this one have been the best kind: just enough to tell us that something is going down, but keeping most of it in suspense. This is Hugh Jackman’s last outing in the claws and for me, like many of us that have followed Wolverine’s progression since the first X-Men film, this is not one to miss. It looks like this will be a dark ride, and hopefully equal parts emotional and visceral. Wolverine is finally getting an R-rated film, let’s see what they do with it.

Kong: Skull Island

This is a film that’s been swirling about, popping up every now and again since its announcement at San Diego Comic-Con back in 2014. Finally, in March of this year, we’re going to see just how they are reimagining King Kong to bring him into this new universe and (eventually) face-to-face with Godzilla again. This one looks really interesting. I like that they’ve chosen a bit of a different setting for it, it’s not modern day and it’s not the early 20^th century, it’s a nice middle ground that can bring it into the rest of the mythos and the continuity with Monarch and their work. The cast is solid and I think this will be, at the very least, a nice fun ride of a movie.

Beauty and the Beast

Okay, so I haven’t really been all that interested in the live-action remakes that Disney has been making so far. But Beauty and the Beast is pretty near and dear to me, it’s one of the first films I saw in theatres and Belle was always one of my favorite of the Disney princesses. And so, for the first time, I’m actually looking forward to seeing one of these. It has a look and feel about it that makes me nostalgic for my childhood (good job, marketing team!), and I want to see how they approach it now compared to the first one. I’m quite liking the aesthetic of it as well, very elaborate and yet worn, almost channeling a less-spooky- Guillermo del Toro-type of style, at least with the castle. Disney’s got me for this one, and for Mulan (2018) as well, at least.

Power Rangers

Well, I don’t know what to make of this one. I want to be optimistic, but I’m having a hard time, sadly. I’m trying to look at this as a film, not as they grumpy old lady complaining about how they ruined ‘my’ Power Rangers. But… the drama looks CW-angsty and the action looked Michael Bay Transformers. I’m crossing all the fingers and toes and hoping that it’s what we haven’t yet seen that’s going to make this one, like Zordon and the big Zord-on-monster fights, but we’ll have to see. I’m willing to give this one a chance, and I hope maybe I’m worrying too much about it all.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

I’ve talked about this one before. It looks like it’s going to be a ton of fun and will build well off of the first movie. I can’t wait to see how the characters progress and where we go from here. What else can I say?

Alien: Covenant

There’s not really much to go on for this one yet, just lots of speculation, both on the film itself and how it fits in with the rest of them, especially Prometheus. I’m hoping for something good here. Prometheus wasn’t awful per se, but it didn’t really live up to its own premise, and it certainly didn’t live up to its predecessors. It is nice to see actual Xenomorphs this time around, at least. I don’t have any strong feelings on this one, one way or another, yet. I’ll see it, but at this time I'm not really hyped. The movie still has some time to win me over before release, but as long as it's good when I'm seeing it, then that's really what matters.

Wonder Woman

This is another one I’ve talked about before. I hate to write off an entire franchise, but this is kinda the last chance for the DCEU from me. It just getting too painful to watch them try and cram all of their characters into a dark, brooding, Batman-shaped box and think it will work out. Wonder Woman looks amazing and I’m excited for it. I’m going into this one with some decent expectations, though slightly tempered by the track record. But this one is important, alright? This is the first female-fronted superhero movie since Catwoman. If this one goes down, I’m done. I desperately want to be wrong, and what we’ve seen so far is promising. I hope like hell they pull it off.

Cars 3

Really, Cars? That hated Pixar property we scoff at as being a blight on an otherwise stellar record? Yup. I really don’t think Cars was that bad, and we even had fun with the second one as well. But this looks to be something quite different. This is the franchise taking a rather dark and serious tone. If nothing else, I want to see the direction that this one goes in and how they do it. Being past your prime and facing retirement isn’t quite the same as growing up and leaving your childhood behind, but I can see it maybe hitting the same notes as Toy Story or something similar.

Bonus- Guardians

Okay, I don’t even know what to make of this one. It’s kind of like the Russian equivalent of The Avengers from what I understand. And that’s totally fine with me. I have no idea where or when or how or even if I’m going to get a chance to see this one, but I totally want to. It has a bear-man with a Gatling gun, what’s not to like? Or at least give a chance to? By the trailers, it has no pretentions of being overly serious and bleak, rather more like a good, fun ride.

So there’s Part 1. Watch out for Part 2 coming soon that covers the rest of 2017!

2016 Movie Retrospective

 
Hey everyone, it’s that time of the year again where we look back on the movies of the previous year. I didn’t have enough to do a Top 10 of both Best and Worst, so it’s all being lumped together into one mega-list. So, without further ado, let’s see how we did, starting with the worst and working our way up to the best. There's a lot to talk about, so we won't be getting into spoilers either. Let's begin!


THE WORST: Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

I try to give modern comedies a chance, but more often than not they don’t work for me. This movie didn’t work on any level. It wasn’t funny, all the characters were terrible people, and nothing made me care about anything that happened. In addition, plot was so rote and tired that by 5-10 minutes in I’d predicted exactly how the movie would play out, after which it proceeded do exactly what I’d said it would. Just awful.

Gods of Egypt- You had to know this one was going to be near the bottom. Acting all over the place, forgettable score, and CG not even up to par with last-gen game consoles. The plot was silly and all the characters in their garish outfits were either forgettable or cringe worthy to watch. Alright to watch if you’re drinking with friends, perhaps, but a terrible movie overall.

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice- A film as long and clunky as it’s title, it makes me sad to have this so close to the worst. For quite a while, it was at the bottom. There were a lot of good things in this film, but the things that were bad were too atrocious for those good things to overcome. The three-hour extended edition was a waste of an R-rating and didn’t add much to the overall movie except time. I wanted so much to have this be good, and to do justice (no pun intended) to the characters it portrayed and it didn’t. I’m excited for Wonder Woman, but that’s kind of their last chance for me, and I hope they learn from this one.

Finding Dory

Before you grab your pitchforks at the fact I put a Pixar film so close to the bottom, hear me out. We went into this movie excited with fairly high expectations. Finding Nemo is pretty popular in our house and it was pretty cool to be getting a sequel. Except that the sequel was a disappointment. It looks pretty, but the characters are so awful to Dory through the whole film (even Marlin) and none of the new ones have the presence of their predecessors. The plot also goes a little crazy, especially during the finale, but by that time a lot of the kids in the audience were restless. However, the short, Piper, that they ran beforehand was absolutely spectacular and some of the most gorgeous animation I’ve ever seen.

Look at this little guy! He's just the cutest!

Jason Bourne- I haven’t watched any of the other films in the series, but we got the chance to see this while camping at a drive-in theatre, which was really cool. I ended up taking the kids to bed so I watched 90% of it mostly without sound. It played out to me like a fairly generic action film, okay but nothing to write home about. Tommy Lee Jones was basically playing the same character he always plays, and everyone else seemed to fill their roles well enough. There were two action sequences that looked especially good, but overall it seemed just… fine.

Suicide Squad- This was better than Batman vs. Superman, in that it was actually somewhat enjoyable. It was still obviously two movies that had been chopped and hacked into one, and that led to a tone that was all over the place. A lot of characters didn’t get much development at all, but the ones that did were pretty fun. Jared Leto I found to be a terrible Joker, but Viola Davis was spot-on as Amanda Waller. That pretty much sums it up, real mixed bag.

Ghostbusters

To be honest, I thought this would end up higher on the list. I had a blast with this movie. Was it better than the original? No, but to think it could be is an absurd notion. As far as modern comedies go, this is one of the best I’ve seen in a long time and I laughed quite a lot. I also really enjoyed the new cast, as well. I liked the subversion of tropes; the Ghostbusters were scientists and didn’t look like supermodels, the ‘hot, ditzy secretary’ was a guy, and everyone looked like they were having a ton of fun. This movie did not deserve the abuse that it got in any way, period. If this was the hill you chose to die on as far as remakes go, there are so many you could have made a better argument for.

The Magnificent Seven- I wasn’t sure what to make of this one based on promotional material. Another remake of a classic film, but with much less reaction to it than the last entry or something like Ben-Hur (which I did not see). This one was a rental that I went into without any real expectations, and it was so much fun. I grew up on movies and books about the Old West, and this was so refreshing. There haven’t been a lot of Westerns lately in our superhero-drenched world, and this reminded me of everything I love about them. It had all the Western tropes and a really solid cast fronted by Denzel Washington and Chris Pratt, and a villainous Peter Sarsgaard heavily channeling John Malkovich. I also found Ethan Hawke to be quite a standout as well, but as I said, the whole cast was excellent. Super fun, worth checking out.

Batman: The Killing Joke- This is another controversial pick, I know. Despite the ‘filler’ at the beginning, which I didn’t mind and was actually better the second time around, this was actually a really faithful adaptation to the story once we got to the story. What pushes this up for me is the cast; Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill are Batman and the Joker, they are the voices I read the dialogue in when reading the comics. That and a certain little number from the Joker himself makes this movie so very worth watching. If the ‘filler’ is a problem, fast forward about 28 minutes and you get a great adaptation.

Warcraft

Did I just put Warcraft this high on my list? Yes, yes I did. I’m not the biggest Warcraft player, and I haven’t played a game in the series in years, but I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. The humans may not have been that interesting, but the Orcs definitely were. You were invested in them, and the motion-capture used for them was superb. The effects overall were gorgeous, I loved the way the magic looked and the way it operated. But the crowning glory was the cinematography. From just shots of various locations to the battle scenes, it looks breathtaking and there are some really unique ways of moving the camera and setting up shots that just blew me away.

tiny Durotan approves!

X-Men: Apocalypse- I’m not sure what people expected from this one, but I got everything I wanted from it. While it may not be quite as good as the previous entry in the series, it was very much an X-Men movie. This franchise has always had it’s own look and feel different from the MCU and DCEU and I found this fitting in nicely with the it’s predecessors. Yes, it was big and over-the-top, but that’s how they are. Michael Fassbender was obviously the standout, but the rest of the cast was really good too, and I hope we can see some of the newer characters grow more into their roles. I’m also glad that Oscar Isaac’s Apocalypse wasn’t quite as over-the-top as he was in the cartoon or just based on the trailers and that he had quieter moments of sinister-ness to balance it.

Doctor Strange- I like how Marvel is pulling out characters lesser-known in the mainstream and making films of them. This movie was a trip, but a really fun one. The visuals in this were insane and the Inception-esque things we saw in the trailers is just the tip of the iceberg. The cast is, as usual, excellent, with some of the best interactions coming between Dr. Strange and Wong the Librarian. It is very much an MCU film (with the unfortunate Marvel villain issues), but set itself apart from the others while also opening up a new avenue of the universe with the mystic arts. Here’s to more of the good doctor in the future!

10 Cloverfield Lane

This was such a tense experience. I walked out of the theatre with my shoulders and neck aching from sitting hunched on the edge of my seat for the entire duration of the film. This was a slow burn for sure, but it was utterly riveting and super claustrophobic. The performances were just fantastic, John Goodman… oh my goodness, give that man all of the awards for this. I know the Cloverfield name might throw some off, but don’t let it make you miss out on an incredible film experience. It’s not an easy experience, but the slow realization of what’s happening and the evolution of Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s character was terrifying and so, so satisfying. Go see this one if you haven’t.

Deadpool- Well, they did it. They actually did it. They made Deadpool work. If you like the character, then this movie is for you because it captures the personality and essence to a tee right from the opening credits. There were times I laughed until I was crying, all while the movie turns the genre on its head and draws crude pictures on it like a passed out friend at a party. And unlike the previous R-rated comic movie on this list, this one takes full advantage of it’s rating and is definitely not for kids. A great realization of a character that fixes (and makes fun of) the mistakes made the first time around and makes R-rated comic movies cool again.

Zootopia- I did not expect that the movie I saw this year that was one of the hardest-hitting about real life issues would be a Disney movie about a rabbit police officer. While both hilarious and heartfelt, this one really made you stop and think, and not just about the lush animation. Not to mention there were a couple of references thrown in that made us laugh pretty hard (but would likely fly over the heads of a lot of kids) that we didn’t expect. Showing that you can be smart and entertaining and appeal to both kids and adults, Zootopia is a damn fine movie.

Captain America: Civil War

I never cared much about Cap until they started making movies about him, to be honest. And yet, of all the Marvel characters, the Captain America films are the best overall. A great culmination of the story that Marvel has set in motion so far and opening the way for more down the line with what will probably be a lot of interesting new character dynamics, this one is a must-see for the Marvel/comic movie fan. It tackled real-world implications of superheroes and how both they and the world respond to that, the clash of ideologies that come from different personalities, and what happens when people are pushed to extremes. And it could do all of these things while being fun. Not to mention the introduction of two awesome new characters in Spider-Man and Black Panther.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story- As much as I loved Civil War, it was pretty… safe. Rogue One hit me like a truck; I needed time to reorient myself afterwards and I still found myself thinking about it and consumed by it days later. It was breathtaking to look at, Gareth Edward’s eye for scale and on-the-ground perspective did wonders here, accented by a soundtrack that was both original and evocative of the first trilogy of movies. The acting was excellent as well, with a great diversity of cast that was a welcome sight. Make no mistake, this was a war movie, and you feel that.  It also did something no Star Wars film has done before, and culminated in a fine and emotional finish that was hugely affecting. Incredible, a first-day-of-release-buy for me.

MY TOP PICK: Arrival

I went into this film excited for an adaptation of a story that I liked. This movie floored me. It was one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen on film, down to earth but with an almost dreamy quality beside Rogue One’s grittier tone. There is a shot quite close to the beginning that there are literally no words for to describe how beautiful it is. The acting is absolutely stellar, with Amy Adams showing that she deserves far, far better than the tripe she was given in BvS and Jeremy Renner as a snarky fellow scientist with whom she plays off of very well. That was the other thing, the main characters were scientists and with the goal of communication with the aliens. It was a beautiful turnaround, every time it seemed like the film would fall into ‘alien-invasion’ territory, it did what I swear was a deliberate about-face in favor of arguing science and talking rather than guns and explosions. As an adaptation, it was one of the best I’d seen in a very long time and seeing the aliens’ written language on the big screen, looking so much like I thought it should, was beyond incredible. Like 10 Cloverfield Lane, I sat on the edge of my seat, only this time not in tension, but in awe.

So that was my roundup of films for 2016. Obviously, there were some I wanted to get on here but wasn't able to see, and unfortunately that is the way of things. But, with 2017 now underway we’ll be looking ahead and soon I’ll have a list of anticipated movies that are heading our way in this new year. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and we’ll see you next time!

Me and My Wine: Hate Watching Gods of Egypt

I wanted to do something a little different. I’ve been rounding out my top movie lists for the year and there was one that I’d seen bits and pieces of but hadn’t actually sat through the whole thing. And that movie was Gods of Egypt. I had no illusions that this would be a good movie, so I was going to try something new. I was going to hate-watch it; in that I was going to sit down with snacks and some wine and roast the movie as it played. Since the weather prevented me from seeing Assassin’s Creed last weekend, this seemed to be as good a time as any. Now, I haven’t done something like this in a long time, not since maybe Doom. There’s been several unintentional hate-watches (Troy, Alexander, Batman v. Superman: Extended Cut), but nothing I’ve really set out to watch that I knew would be this bad. Also, instead of a regular style of review, we’re going to go on a journey together. We’re going to explore all the ‘best’ moments as they happened, live-feed style (non-timed entries are general observations). I took my notes specifically with this in mind, so I can bring them to you here pretty much word-for-word. Warning for spoilers as well, I guess. Either way, I hope you enjoy.


Pre-Movie:
-Runtime is 2 hours, 7 minutes. Got my libation for this evening, let’s get this show on the road!

And Thus it Begins:
-2:30- Oh, this CG…..
- These Egyptians are rather… European looking
-5:30- Okay, those women and Horus are definitely not in that shot at the same time. The fact that Horus was on a green screen is painfully obvious.
- The costumes are loud, garish, and ugly, at least for the gods. Not regal.

Everything is shiny/ Everything is fake that you see on the screen/ Everything is shiiiiny/ No this isn't a dream

-7:30- Why am I getting Star Wars prequel flashbacks?
- I’m very disappointed! I wanted Thoth with an ibis head!
- So flashy and over-the-top. Why could we not be a little more historical and less bad RPG armor?
- Osiris rocking the sequin cape!
-12:05- This is like an Xbox 360 cutscene. And that might be generous.
- Father? Who is their dad? Ra is not Osiris, Isis, and Set’s dad! Their parents were Geb and Nut!
- Gerard Butler the Yelly-King strikes again! Only this time he’s leading the scary masked soldiers instead of fighting them.


- 15 mins- Don’t do a fight scene that does the 300 thing. Don’t remind me of a better movie that I’d rather be watching! And stop shaking the camera!
- The graphics for this beast-mode Quick-Time Event really suck.
- So. Many. Cuts.
-Even the cups look plastic.
-25 mins- To be honest, this is kind of… boring.
-25:30- Those scorpions…. They were better in Walking With Monsters
-Where do you get that many scorpions? Good question buddy, now watch out for the THWOMP after this platform.

Movie could've been a LOT shorter....

-GREEN SCREEN STRIKES AGAIN
-Costumes really are bad.
-29:50- Don’t pull out the arrow ya numpty! You leave that in! In!
-Y’know, at least the green screen and fake-looking background were part of the highly stylized aesthetic of 300. This is just shoddy.
-32:40- Horus, I have come to bargain!
-So they’re like MCU Asgardians?
- Poor Anubis. He looks baaaaaad.




-Why doesn’t anyone’s crown look like and actual Egyptian crown?
-46-47 mins- this battle is ugly looking. Got nothing on Warcraft’s cinematography. That movie looked great.
-51:35- This waterfall could not look more fake if it was a piece of cardboard with the word ‘waterfall’ written on it.
- Kratos is much better at fighting Minotaurs
- Oh look, another Quick Time Event

Snack Break Talk
-54:18 into the movie
-The most offensive thing about this is that’s it’s kind of boring. Although, big action set pieces are yet to come.
-What happened to Isis? They haven’t even mentioned her since the beginning.

The Movie Resumes
-All of the humor falls depressingly flat
-1 hour in- After Osiris was killed and chopped up, Isis DID NOT KILL HERSELF! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SHE STOOD UP, FOUND ALL THEM PIECES AND BROUGHT HIM BACK! **** THIS STAIN OF A MOVIE FOR SO BLATANTLY TOSSING ASIDE A GODDESS WORSHIPPED WELL INTO THE ROMAN PERIOD, AND CONSIDERED TO HAVE GREAT POWER! ***** YOU AND THE BATTLE BEETLE YOU RODE IN ON! (Note: this is a censored version of a tirade I went on regarding a single line of dialogue).
-To be honest, I’ve been figuring out people’s names because we have the captions on, rarely from the dialogue itself.
-1:01:50- A white snake? (Husband breaks into “Still of the Night”)

In the still of the night/ I hear the wolf howl, honey/ Sniffing around your door....

-ummmm, snakes don’t roar.
-1:02:19- Halfway through the wine, still doesn’t feel like enough for this.
-I don’t care about any of these characters.
-Closed captions save me again! White woman on white snake- Anat, black woman on black snake- Astarte. Their ‘snake saddles’ look like Chitauri cruisers tho.
-Thoth is hiding on a sunnier Dagobah? Ugh, Chadwick Boseman was much better as Black Panther.
-1 hr 16 mins- trying to have character and emotional stuff. The acting is either meh or over the top in this film.
-1 hour 19mins- another Quick Time Event.
-Thoth’s gown is lovely. We should see that on the red carpet sometime.

accessories included!

-1:20:33- That’s the Sphinx? Do these people know what a sphinx looks like?
-1:22:20- Did it just say ‘oh bother’ like it was Winnie the Pooh? Really?
-You know, I don’t care about Horus and Hathor’s relationship. Like, not at all.
-You don’t get into the afterlife if it’s heavier than the feather! I don’t care about that crap Set said like an hour ago.
-Set gets an armor upgrade- increased stats but that cutscene was hideous.

Followed immediately with a one-liner that would make Schwarzenegger cringe

-The one liners never land, either.
-1:36:28- This is bad, imitation, free-to-play-on-Facebook fantasy RPG armor. This shot doesn’t even look like Photoshop, it looks like MS Paint.
-These fight scenes are so badly shot. They’re all so choppy. Are we trying to hide poor choreography? What?
-1:42:00-ish- Why does Set’s armor looks Greek now? It’s gotten Greek-er as time goes on. I guess that is what happened with the Egyptian royalty. Too soon?
-Even the music is bland and uninspired.
-1 hour 50 mins- Horus looks like Solid Snake in this shot.


-Pope Ra. Every time, we laugh about Pope Ra.

This was all I could think of

-Horus is too shiny in that armor. Everyone’s too shiny in the CG armor.


-So everything’s cool now?
-So what about everyone who died while Set was ruling? So they get a do-over with them scales?
-Honestly, Alex Proyas? What did I just watch?
So that was Gods of Egypt. Obviously a terrible movie. I could only possibly recommend it if you watch like I did, with drinks and other people to make fun of it with. It looks awful, the acting is either dull and lifeless or completely over the top, the story is uninteresting, and the music is utterly forgettable. The only reason it isn’t top of my Worst List for 2016 is because I don’t even think I could watch Number One again, even under the circumstances I watched this one (that list will be coming soon).

Hope you enjoyed my little experiment! Happy 2017 everyone, and here’s to better movies in the New Year!